Clever Sarcastic Jokes To Read When You Are In A Snarky Mood (2024)

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"I wish more people were fluent in silence."

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Why are relationships like algebra?

Because you look at your X and wonder Y?

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"I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode."

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In life, some days you will be the pigeon and on other days you will be the statue.

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"I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment."

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"You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions."

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Since zombies feed on brains, it looks like you're safe.

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"Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list."

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"Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?"

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"I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

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"I lost your number. I lost it when I hit 'delete.'"

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What’s a queen without her king?

Well, historically speaking, more powerful.

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Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

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"Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then."

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It takes patience to listen... it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

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If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.

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"Always remember: you’re just as unique as everybody else."

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If you need so much space, there’s always NASA.

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How do you know that two wrongs never make a right?

See your parents, for instance.

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"Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up."

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"Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog."

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Do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?

When it leaves and never returns!

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Why shouldn't you worry about what other people think?

Because they don't really do it very often.

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There's someone for everyone and that person for you is a psychiatrist.

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What do you do when someone asks you for a small donation for a swimming pool?

You give them a glass of water.

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"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look s**y, so I got drunk."

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"For Halloween, I'm going to be emotionally stable. No one is going to know it's me."

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"I need to teach my facial expressions how to use inside their voice."

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"My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not."

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“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

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"Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything."

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If you’re here, who’s running hell?

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Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?

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"Before I judge someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. So when I do judge them, I am a mile away and I also have their shoes."

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If laughter is the best medicine, then your face might be healing the world.

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When life hands you lemons, squeeze them into people's eyes.

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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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"I always carry a knife in my purse. You know, in case of a cheesecake or something."

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“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”

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"You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends."

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Howcome the first computer date back to Adam and Eve?

Because there was an Apple with a limited memory of one byte. But then everything crashed!

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How do you know that light travels faster than sound?

A lot of people seem bright until they talk.

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"I wish I did not have any responsibilities like you."

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"I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions."

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"My boss told me to have a good day so I went home."

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"I don't know how people can fake whole relationships. I can't even fake a hello to somebody I don't like."

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If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.

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"My favorite party trick is not going."

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"My boss said I intimidate my co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized."

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"I'll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first."

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"Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once."

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"I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t."

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Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.

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"I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate. If only they’d come around and take him off my hands."

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"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."

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Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?

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"I have made a joke on trickle down economics. But most of you won't get it!"

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What do you do when elderly relatives tease you at weddings saying you're next?

You do the same to them at funerals!

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A recent study has found that the women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer compared to the men who mention it.

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"If ignorance is bliss, I am the happiest person on Earth."

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Why should you stop trying if you don't succeed at first?

Because you're probably plain dumb.

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"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night."

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"I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me."

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What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning?

The school bus.

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Waitress: Do u have any questions about the menu?

Me: What kind of font is this?

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"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"

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"Yeah, I'm a pacifist. I'm about to pass a fist across your face."

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“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”

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“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”

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"I hate it when I go to hug someone really s**y and my face smashes right into the mirror."

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Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

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"If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?"

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Why is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?

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"When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on."

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"Hi there, I’m human. What are you?"

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"This obviously isn’t working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable."

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They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.

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"I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it."

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"I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system."

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"Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care."

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It is ironic that the colors blue, white, and red stand for freedom in the US until they start flashing right behind you!

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"I don't keep a welcome mat at my door because I hate lying."

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Why is intelligence like underwear?

Because it's crucial that you have it but not mandatory that you show it off!

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Why is teamwork important?

Because it will help you put the blame on someone else!

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Why should you get married?

Because your bad day does not have to end at work.

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"Your Instagram makes it seem like you have a happening life!"

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"I really like how you remind me of the days when I was young and stupid."

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Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...

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"Facebook is telling me to ’reconnect’ with my brother... hmmm, I see him everyday."

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Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...

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"I'm starting to think my purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others."

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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

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"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

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“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”

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Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once.

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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground.

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"Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re not that bright."

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Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.

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"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."

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"Sorry, my dog ate your text again."

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If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.

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Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

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"I would like to have kids one day. But I don't think I could put up with them any longer than that, though."

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"My grief therapist died the other day. She was so good at her job that I don't even care!"

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"My favorite movie is 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame.' I love it when the protagonist has a twisted back story."

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"My grandmother said that I'm too dependent on technology. I called her a hypocrite and disconnected her life support."

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What do you say when you see an advertisem*nt for burial plots?

You say, "This is the last thing I need."

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Donating one kidney makes you an instant hero but donating five makes everyone skeptical.

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Why is it good to know sign language?

Because it comes handy.

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How to be a nice boss?

You tell your employees, "Don't consider me as your boss. But think of me as a friend who has the power to fire you."

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Sadness is nothing but anger without fervor.

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"You are so attractive when you make an effort!"

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"You are so independent. No wonder you haven't found a boyfriend yet!"

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"When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... it's a good thing my older brother told me about it."

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One cannibal complains to another, "Man I'm having a terrible constipation lately!"

"See? I told you not to eat so many government clerks!"

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Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

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"Being an adult is looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by an airplane."

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"I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

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Don't confuse a smile with someone baring teeth.

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"I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you."

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There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

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"I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep."

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"The whiskey tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel."

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Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?

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"Take my advice — it’s not like I’m dumb enough to."

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"My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me."

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"Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail."

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Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face — once you shove them down the stairs, that is.

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"If you see me smiling it’s, because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have."

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So many freaks, so few circuses.

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"When my boyfriend's dog died, I tried to cheer him up by getting him an identical one. But he screamed at me asking what he was supposed to do with two dead dogs!"

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"I wonder why everyone calls me crazy. The voices tell me that I'm completely sane!"

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What do you call double standards?

Burning a body at a crematorium is being respectful but doing the same at home is called destroying evidence!

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Why is alcohol the perfect solvent?

It dissolves careers, families, and relationships.

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"My parents raised me as a single child and that really annoyed my sister!"

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Which is the slowest possible rate at which one approaches death?

Good health!

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How can you be in good shape?

If you run as much as your mouth!

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A conclusion is the bit where you get really tired of thinking.

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A conscience is the part that hurts when everything else feels good.

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"You look way more awake when you are wearing makeup!"

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"I wish I was as chill as you about the mess around the room."

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"Half your outfit looks amazing, really!"

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"Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving."

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"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that."

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A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!”

“What? You want to break up? Why?”

“I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!”

“Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”

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Do you think there’s no good news about having Alzheimer's?

You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus you are constantly making new friends.

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Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years."

"But doctor, I am already 80!"

"You see - I told you to quit smoking."

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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

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This place is so weird that the co*ckroaches have moved next door.

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"I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t."

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Apparently rock bottom has a basem*nt.

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"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

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Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

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"Would you like to dance? No? You must’ve misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants."

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"Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky."

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If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

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Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.

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"A recent study has found that man eats more bananas than monkeys. I anyway can't recall the last time I ate a monkey."

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Did you hear about the woman who got her left side chopped off?

But she's all right now.

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How can an apple a day keep the doctor away?

If you throw it hard enough!

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"Do you know why I had a bad day? My ex was run over by a bus and I got fired from my job as a bus driver!"

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What do you say when your friend asks you how she looks?

You reply, "With your eyes."

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Orphans can't play baseball, because they don't know where home is.

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"I used to think that I'm fickle-minded but now I'm not very sure."

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What do you say when people accuse you of lying?

You say, "I just write fiction with my mouth!"

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Why do strong people not put others down?

Because they hoist them up and bang them onto the ground.

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"I love how you don't care at all about how you come across!"

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Have you heard they found a dead guy with his head buried in his cornflakes?

The police believed it was a cereal killer.

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"I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you."

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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

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"The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it. Don’t assume that’s not a major incentive."

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"My friend said that if she went off a cliff, it would be on her own accord. It's a good thing she drives a Civic!"

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"I have a fish that's capable of breakdancing. But she can do it only for 30 seconds and only once!"

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"I have zero carbon footprint. That's because I drive everywhere."

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What did the restaurant waiter say when I asked him how they prepare the chicken?

He said, "Nothing special. We simply tell them they're going to die."

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Did you hear how the Pillsbury Doughboy died?

He had a yeast infection.

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Did something awful happen to you or are naturally this dreadful of a person?

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"I didn't expect you'll make it to the first rank. Congratulations!"

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

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"Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1-2."

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